When I visited India in January 2018, I was in a really weird place. I was in a deep funk yet was so functional that I planned a 5 month solo trip to pull myself together.

In India, I was shown major hospitality from a friend named Anuvi and her family who took me into their warm Delhi home.

Together, we functioned as a family — ate meals together, spent quality time together, and they even invited me with them to a family wedding. I had never been to any sort of formal Indian occasion so I was excited to meet people, get decked out in beautiful clothing, and have a good time.

But still, I was in that damn funk. Looking back, I realize I had so much anxiety over looking like a dumb tourist, messing up, or overstaying my welcome. It was ridiculous. Does anyone feel that way? Like if someone does something good for you, it’ll all be taken away? Or they will resent you for it?

So I thought taking a mini vacation would help.

I took a side trip to Rishikesh, a town in the basin of the Himalayas. It is said to be the first place where the yogis from the mountains brought yoga to the villagers of contemporary India. While I was practicing yoga for a few years beforehand, I never really grasped the cultural or spiritual aspects of the lifestyle.

That is — until I visited Rishikesh. After spending 2 weeks in the holy city, I did not want to leave. Why would I? It is a completely alcohol and drug free vegetarian town –except for gangja, of course. Rishikesh is situated in a beautiful valley surrounded by lush green trees and the holy river Ganga flows through it. The term ganja for cannabis actually is derived from the Ganga or Ganges River. The Beatles came to this town and I got to visit the ashram in the mountains where they studied yoga in the 1960s (the two domes pictured below were part of it). I was amazed, I still am. Yet the funk still persisted.

It was then I knew I had to start the long journey of truly surrendering to situations rather than trying to control every aspect and beating myself up for things out of my control.

I NEEDED was to relax and stay present to enjoy myself! The part of the trip was so beautiful and I had a lot of fun. I enjoyed myself so much that I decided to extend it for 7 weeks. I am now in Singapore, pursuing an English teaching job.

Look at God, Buddha, Allah, the Universe — whatever you believe in — doing amazing things.

India, I love you so much. Thanks for making me aware of my own darkness and how much further I have to go.

P.S. For those of me asking for advice: first of all, why? I am such a mess. Second, send a message and let’s chat haha. Maybe my mess can help you make sense of your mess.